FLOWERS BLOOM

You got into this mess by running from the water, but now you're running from another kind of flood. "Desire, coming down like a hurricane."

For me, this gripping line is hard to take, probably because I can still remember those waves of choking desire all too well. Too many never-ending nights in hotels battling lust. Too many days that dawned to a deep, icy foreboding-I'll never hold it all back today!

I couldn't escape the truth. It was ever right there "in front of me, eye to eye, staring me in the face"-my "shallow life" had been "distorted by the world" and I was helpless to do anything about it. There was nothing I could do but keep "joining in the race" to sin day after night, night after day. My sexuality owned me, and there was no wriggling free.

The wildest thing was that this captivity looked like freedom at first. I'd gone "my own way" sexually, and I never "really had to explain" any of it to anybody, even to myself. I was a man, and my passions seemed part of me, driving me, being me. That's the way it was, and that was the way it had to be.

"But there's always a choice." I never noticed it at the time, just as "I never noticed Him trying to reach for me." All I knew was that I didn't remotely own my sexual field of play and that Satan could knock me all over the field at will, even after I'd become a Christian. I wasn't even sure I wanted to own it anymore. I'd blasted my sexuality to smithereens with porn and girls, and there was nothing left but that desolate "field of ruin."

I was "torn up in pieces, crushed!" I'd been packing on the shame for years, long before I was saved:

Remember, sin grinds slowly, but it always grinds true. It's easy to forget this once your eyes slip off the truth of the Word and focus upon the carefree, "happier" lives of the others around you.

But the Word is always true, and it was playing out perfectly in my life. I could not free myself from the porn and masturbation, which clung to me like tentacles. Half of me tried peeling their muscular grip off of me, sick of the money spent on full-color flesh magazines and sick of the wasted time looking at this stuff. But the other half of me kept wrapping the tentacles back around my penis, whining, How can we live without our friends?

And when it came to real women, I was faring no better. Harassed to distraction by my sin, I found it harder and harder to successfully juggle the demands of four girlfriends. All the "connecting" I did late at night left me feeling like I wasn't connected to anything-even to these women. How could this be? All I knew was that I felt like a gerbil on a wheel, running faster and faster, but spinning nowhere fast. In spite of all the sex, I was lonely, bone-crushingly lonely.
Tactics, Pages 98-99

I'd heard a lot about Jesus, but I turned away from Him in denial. When "I denied Him, a part of me began to separate, and then it all started to fall apart." I don't have to explain that to you, do I? You know it as well as I do! When you deny Jesus and jump into cyber-space, everything must fall apart. You're going against the grain of who you want to be deep down inside, and Jesus has to allow the seasons of your life to collide until you finally notice what He's been desperately hoping you would see-He's reaching for you!

You're thinking He'd never want you back, but you're certain he wouldn't take you back, even if He wanted you. But if you'd take a peek around that load of shame you're packing, you'd see the flowers of hope still blooming amongst the ruins. His love is all you need, and it's yours:

What is God doing in the midst of all this defeat? We know His eyes go to and fro throughout the earth, looking for someone on whose behalf He can show His power. What happens when His eyes stop on you? Is He frustrated, throwing up His hands in exasperation and snarling, "I'm going somewhere else! This guy is a loser?"

I doubt it very much, because He has a heart for you as a father has for his son....You're His son, and He'll be with you every moment as you learn to win. He's there to restore you, and He will embrace defeat with you all day long, because He knows He can use it to restore you, to encourage you, and to help you love Him more.
Tactics, Page 14, 25

In your fields, the flowers will always bloom. You're His son, and nothing else matters:

God is not only a normal Father but a perfect one, and there is only one way for His perfect heart to respond to your failure: love. Of course, you can imagine some other response. You might think He's disgusted with you and would prefer if you got lost for a while. You can imagine that the sight of your face turns His stomach. You can even imagine that He's turned His back on you and-if not for His good character-would squash you like a bug.

But God can't imagine any of those things because He's you Father. It boils down to this: until you are free from prison, the full expression of His deep love for you isn't complete. He won't leave you, and nothing on earth-including your sexual sin and disobedience-can kill your Father's love.
Tactics, Pages 124-125

You see, He's not like you. He's for you, and that cannot change:

[God's] love for you and His plan to save you have been in place from before the dawn of time. His passion to explore life with you will stretch to eternity. Nothing you ever did ignited this love for you, and nothing you'll ever do will kill it. He is your Father. You are His son.
Tactics, Page 117

You may not have noticed He's reaching out for you. You may see disarray on all sides. So what? Don't panic and, and above all, don't mislabel the mess. He doesn't hate you, even if He is the one behind all the chaos:

Even in judgment, your Father's only motive is love. God hates sin because it binds you mercilessly and cuts off your connection with Him. But He doesn't hate you, and you are not sickening to Him.
Tactics, page 127

He simply wants to restore you, and to teach you to skip over your ways and to take on His ways instead. "There's always a choice."

That phrase will always bring back the words of Pastor Steve Hill to me, no matter how many years pass on by:

There's no temptation that is uncommon to man. God will send you a way of escape, but you've got to be willing to take that way of escape, friend....

I was an alcoholic to the max. I would drink whiskey, straight whiskey, every day. And I was a junkie. Cocaine up my nose, in my arm, I did it all, friend. And God never delivered me from the desire and the love of drugs. He never did. What happened is that I decided to never touch the stuff or drink booze again....

Those of you that are into pornography may be asking God to take away your lustful desires. Come on! You are a man with hormones. You feel things. You have since you were a teenager, and you will until the day you die! You are attracted to the opposite sex.

I'm not saying that God cannot take the desire from you. He can! He's just never done it in my life or the tens of thousands of people I've worked with over the years. That includes pornographers. Ninety-nine percent of them had to make a decision. They had to make a decision to not walk by magazine racks of adult magazines and to stay faithful to their wives and their family.

I agree. It's time to make a decision. It's time to choose His ways. He bought you back, and if you would only notice, He's trying to reach for you. What are you waiting for, my friend? You have the choice. After all, "in this field of ruin, the flowers still bloom."