MIRACLE OF YOU

In our pre-marriage classes, we always ask this true-false question:

If a wife has a career gift, she needs to be expressing that gift in the work-force, or else she's being a poor steward before the Lord.

False is the correct answer, of course. Just because someone has a gift does not mean that she must be expressing that gift throughout her lifetime. As a wife, she has a call to be her husband's helpmate, which may require sacrifices from time to time. If she's a mother, she has a special call to her home, as well. Good stewardship naturally requires hard choices to be made along the way of life, and that means certain parts of us will need to be put on the shelf for a season for the sake of a higher call.

The same is true for all of us guys, too. If we're to live effectively for Christ, all of us will have to put away parts of ourselves at times. Of course, that goes double when it comes to our sexuality. Or does it? Let's take a look.

You are a sexual being. It might be said that if you are to fully experience the miracle of human life to its fullest, you must express your sexuality from the moment puberty settles over your life. We can analyze that proposition with another true-false question:

Every guy is a sexual being, so he needs to be out expressing that sexuality freely, or else he's living a lie and being a poor steward of God's gift of creation.

True or false? If we allow their actions to serve as their pencils, most guys are marking this one true, yet the actual answer is just as false as it can be. You are sexual, but that doesn't mean you have to be expressing it during every season of your life to be fulfilled and to be at peace with God.

Even husbands have to put their sexuality on the shelf from time to time if they expect to steward their lives well before God. Surprised? Don't be. Sure, sex is designed to draw a couple closer. It will play a huge part in bringing out the miracle of marital connection between you and your wife. You can find a trace of that truth sprinkled lightly between the lines in the chorus of Miracle of You:

I will be the only one to love you for everything you are.
I will be the only one to really know you, and all your glory.
I will be the one to see everything you're gonna be.
I will be the only one to bring out the miracle in you.

Sex in marriage helps you to "really know her, and all her glory." But there will also be times that stopping sex will be the ticket that "brings out the miracle" in your wife and in your relationship as a couple.

Consider Joseph, the father of Jesus:

...an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, "Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins...."

When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. But he had no union with her until she gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Jesus.
Matthew 1:20-21, 24-25

Take a look at that again-he had no union with her until she gave birth to a son. Could you put your sexuality on the shelf for the first number of months of marriage? Joseph did, and he was not "living a lie" in regards to his sexuality and he wasn't "being a poor steward of God's gift of creation." No, Joseph was living heroically before his wife and His God. He was setting aside an important part of his nature for the sake of God's higher call, "to be the one to see everything" Mary was going to be and to help "bring out" the "miracle" Mary was to become.

To a lesser extent, I once placed my sexuality on the shelf to ensure I'd see everything my wife Brenda was going to be:

Clearly, life can unfold differently [than what you expect in marriage]. Very differently. When Brenda and I first married, we were hoping to have four years together before having children, a time to build our relationship together. We'd known each other only seven months on our wedding day. In addition, Brenda's dad had died two months before the wedding. She moved three hours away from her hometown to start our life together. She was aching over her father, and she could not support her mother in her grief from that distance. We were searching for a church and had no friends. She had a new job, and I was fairly new in mine. In commission sales, money was tight. After expenses, my first year's income was below the poverty line, and I also had fifteen thousand dollars' worth of school and business debt. We were also reeling under in-law problems.

As I've said, our marriage nearly crumbled under that pressure. Then, of all things, Brenda announced she was pregnant shortly after our first wedding anniversary. After Jasen was born, the boy wouldn't sleep at night. We tried every trick, including letting him cry for long periods, sometimes for hours. Our discouragement was nearly debilitating. Confused, Brenda couldn't take another blow. Life hadn't turned out as we'd hoped, and too often I didn't have a cherishing heart.

Gratefully, I'd just made my "eat gravel" stand with God in front of the refrigerator. Reading about Uriah for the first time, I began to see Brenda in a new way. I began to cherish her, despite the circumstances. I began to treat her with tenderness, holding her dear in spite of my feelings. I decided to get up with my son every time he awoke at night even though Brenda didn't work outside the home after Jasen was born. Logically, since she didn't work and could rest at different times during the day, she should have been the one to get up. By some standards, I should have said, "C'mon, you're a big girl now. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get tough!" But anyone could say that. She could have gotten that kind of treatment as a single woman.

But she was married to me, and she was my little ewe lamb. I cherished her, helping her out when she needed it most. How could I do that? She was no longer the person I thought I married, and I didn't always feel tender toward her, but I did it because it was right. The tender feelings followed later.

During that same period, I noticed a peculiar thing. The physical drain of nursing, the unsettled sleep at night (she would get up and nurse, then hand Jasen to me), and the psychological exhaustion wasted Brenda. If she awoke in the morning and stumbled down to a dirty kitchen, she was immediately discouraged and had difficulty starting her day. Her courage melted; she found it easier just to stay in her pajamas all day. Life seemed dark and dreary.

I didn't like my ewe lamb to start her day like this. Yes, I could have asked Brenda to shape up, grit her teeth, and push harder. I could have reminded her that she wasn't living up to my expectations. Instead, I made a promise to my wife that I would never go to bed with the kitchen dirty.

I knew what that promise would cost me. Because of her exhaustion, it meant she would often head off to bed and leave me alone to do all the dishes and scrub all the pans. It meant that often she would be asleep when I got to bed, and I would miss out on sex. It meant that I would miss out on precious sleep, but I also knew that I could cherish my ewe lamb in ways she never thought possible. I never broke my promise.

I cherished Brenda when the feelings weren't there, and my feelings returned. Eventually, she grew to the woman she is today. She's everything I knew she would be. But guess what? She's also more. She saw my cherishing heart and stopped talking divorce. These days, when I speak about God's Word and about living by His standards, I have credibility with her because I've proven myself with her in the unloveliest of times.
Every Man's Battle, Page 203

Again, note the key line: It meant that often she would be asleep when I got to bed, and I would miss out on sex. I missed out a lot during those days, but I wasn't being a poor steward of my sexuality, and stopping the sex did not destroy our connection as a couple. In fact, it played a big role in creating who we are today.

I have lived out the chorus of this song. I will be the only one to love you for everything you are...not just the sexual part of her, but every part of her. As her husband and spiritual leader, I must think in terms of all of her, not just some of her. I will be the only one to really know you, and all your glory...being the only one to really know her-including her flaws and weaknesses-brought responsibility, and therefore required sacrifices of my "glory" for hers. I will be the one to see everything you're gonna be...being Brenda's "only one" is a gift from her that requires every bit as much good stewardship as my sexuality. I will be the only one to bring out the miracle in you...I'm not just the only one who will work to bring out that miracle-as her husband, I'm the only one who can. That, too, brings responsibility, but it also brings my heart miraculous joy if I'm willing to live heroically for her. Because I was willing, Brenda became everything I knew she would be and everything God meant for her to be.

Your single years are a critical time of preparation as a husband, as these are the years that train you how to own your sexuality so it can be kept in its place throughout your days. Your sexuality isn't the sum of you...it is just part of your makeup and design, something that needs to be integrated into your life as a whole. If God asks you not to express it right now because you are single, so what? That isn't unfair, and that isn't devastating. That's just part of being God's man, part of being a heroic leader in life, and if you marry, you'll want to heroically play that part in bringing out the miracle in your wife forever.

Obviously, the sooner you learn to own your sexuality, the better. As you can see from my story and from the story of Joseph, there are seasons of life where "no sex" will express your love to a girl far more deeply than having sex ever could. If you are single, you are in one of those seasons right now, and God's looking to you to play that same heroic role now in your relationships. Remember, no matter how your parents see you or how your friends see you, God sees you as a man already, and God gives no man a pass on any of this, whether you are a single guy in school or not. You are to own your sexuality now.

You have a higher call in life than making sure you are fully expressing your sexuality. If you are dating a Christian girl (and you should be), you are dating your sister, and you are called to help her to become the miracle God designed her to be. But if you jump the gun sexually, you will hurt her, slowing her progress today and perhaps for years to come:

Well, I know there have been many who have hurt you,
and I know your heart's been broken many times.
How I wish that I could say I've never let you down!
But I know I'm one of those who's made you cry.
Still in the whole wide world there's no one else who will ever want to love you any better.

You will use girls and you will hurt girls if you don't own your sexuality, and I don't care how willing they are to join you in bed. Premarital sex may seem as natural as rain, but there is nothing healthy about premarital sex, physically, emotionally or spiritually. It isn't good for short-term relationships, and it isn't good for long-term relationships. Joe can attest to that:

Joe got teased every day about whether he was "doing stuff" with Lynn. He wondered if he should make something up to get them off his back, but then there would probably be follow-up questions: What was she like? Did she say anything?

Hey, if everyone else on the football team was having sex, then it stood to reason that he should, too. After all, wasn't he a member of the Warrior football team-the squad that newspapers were picking to go the State playoffs? And he had heard the cheerleaders saying that he was "cute."

So Joe made his move, just like a linebacker keying off the quarterback. He slowly but surely broke down Lynn's resistance, increasing the pressure bit by bit with each date until the time he was over at her house on a Saturday afternoon, and her parents had gone to the mall with her sister. They were totally alone, and nothing was stopping them. So Joe ran his play and, after two weeks of pounding, Lynn's defenses were exhausted. She was putty in his arms as they went all the way.

Now he had something to really talk about in the locker room, and when he intimated that he and Lynn had had a "hot time" in her bedroom, he received looks of admiration and war whoops from his teammates. He was now one of them.

But something happened. Joe felt guilty about what he had done. Lynn, he noticed, wasn't herself any longer, and she was pulling away from him. The more he thought about it, having sex with her had been a huge, huge mistake that couldn't be swept under the rug.
Preparing Your Son for Every Man's Battle, pages 221-222

You need to understand that sex is wonderful, but only in its place. It is a double-edged sword, and you'll cut up your girlfriend and your own relationship with her if you don't keep a scabbard around it:

Sex is a beautiful creation of God-no argument there. I want my sons and daughters to experience all the beauty and wonder of sex. I want them to love sex and to have as much sex as they can, but just not right now.

I'm not being mean. I'm not being old-fashioned. I'm being smart and thinking normally. My experience gives me an edge, because I know it really can hurt, no matter how willing you are.

Reasons? We don't even need the Bible for this one... even the secular magazines will tell you the truth. Redbook magazine recently stated that women who never had sexual intercourse before marriage were sixty percent more satisfied with sex than those who had sex before marriage. Sixty percent!

Similar studies showed that the average woman doesn't experience the full emotional ramifications of premarital sex until seven years into the marriage, where the guilt and trauma can suddenly bubble up and cause real problems in the relationship. I don't care how enlightened you are, it can't be right to place such a ticking time bomb into a girl's life like this, and God can't possibly want you to enjoy the beauty of His creation at the expense of one of His precious daughters.
Preparing Your Son for Every Man's Battle, Page 215

And if you do jump the gun, you most likely won't make it to the altar.

Why? Because sexual intercourse short-circuits the natural development of relationships. At the beginning of a relationship, you naturally focus on the wonder of your girl's outer and inner beauty, and you spend your time digging into her personality and dreams and thoughts. Once you leap past this stage and into sex, however, your natural focus is to get it on again and again and again, so the growth of the relationship is stunted. Researchers have found that relationships should go through a twelve-step process, starting with "eye to body" and progressing all the way to intercourse. If you jump over those several stages (such as "hand to hand," "hand to shoulder," "hand to head"), it detracts hugely from intimacy. There has been no nurturing nor even a foundation built, and the relationship is guaranteed to crumble.

Abby told me, "I'm eighteen now, and I'm trying to get over a four-year relationship with Keith. I really thought we would get married someday. We had known each other our whole lives, and I always had such a huge crush on him! When I turned fourteen, my dream came true and he asked me to be his girlfriend. We had a lot of fun together, and our relationship was wonderful until we made the worst decision of our lives-to have premarital sex. Dumb, dumb, dumb! Everything just went downhill from there. He crushed my heart two months ago when he broke up with me out of nowhere. I didn't know what to do or where to go. I just wanted to die."

If you want your relationship to last, then the last thing you want to do is have premarital sex.
Preparing Your Son for Every Man's Battle, pages 215-216

Are you going to be authentic and heroic in your relationship with girls, or are you going to be just one more mediocre Christian guy out there, just another dark drop in that gray sea called Christian America?

I once asked Thomas, a youth pastor, to describe the level of authenticity he saw within his young flock.

"Not much," was his terse reply.

I asked him to expound. "They seem to have great intentions," he noted. "They desire to be used by God. Trouble is, they won't step out. When I ask them, 'Why aren't you hungrier for God?' I know the answer already. They don't want to stand out. They don't want to put out the effort. They just want to be accepted. They want more of God, but they don't want to be more like God. To them, sexual purity seems too high a wall to climb, so they give up. In general, the desire to be like Christ is not really there."

"Why is that?"

"If they were authentic," said Thomas, "they would say, 'Christ saved me, so I want to be pure.' But most are lazy and apathetic about this, not willing to do what it takes. It's all emotion to them. They leave Wednesday night service pumped up and wanting to be different, but by second period Thursday morning they've given up. An authentic teen would say, 'I want to be free from sin.' But most of my kids would say, 'It would be nice to be free from sin,' but they won't pay the price. An authentic teen would say, 'I want to be a man of God.' Most of my guys would say, 'It would be nice to be a man of God if He would do it for me.' "
Every Young Man's Battle, Page 47

You must decide now that sex won't be part of your single relationships. Period.

"Girls want guys to take the lead in the relationship," said Cassie. "Yet often it's the guys who are pushing the boundaries. When that has happened to me, I felt very resentful. I know that it makes girls just feel used. We neither feel validated in who we are nor in what we stand for as women. I remember the time when a guy I really liked tried some things that made me uncomfortable. I asked him to stop, but he persisted. Finally, he just wore me down and I eventually gave in. He had weakened my defenses...."

"I often feel that I care more about my purity than my boyfriend, Kevin, does, although he's a great spiritual leader in many areas. We sometimes fast for special needs and for our future together. But this leadership doesn't show up in our physical relationship. We've decided together on boundaries, but he often pushes hard at them. When I resist, he pouts, or asks why I don't desire him physically. I hate making him feel bad and having the blame pushed back on me, so sometimes I've given in. Kevin's happy and loving after that, but I get very resentful. Once we even broke up for a number of months."

Whatever kind of leadership that is, it smells bad from here-and it certainly isn't spiritual leadership! If you're going to love your girlfriend as yourself, you're going to have to give her what she wants, and that includes strong spiritual leadership. Sex doesn't fit into the mix at all....

But remember this: It's not the act of defining sexual boundaries that makes you a spiritual leader. It's the act of defending them. It wasn't that Kevin was ignorant of God's ways. He knew them well enough to help Cassie define proper sexual boundaries for their relationship together. But whenever he neared them he simply kicked out the markers a bit farther so he could stray over them at will.

For Kevin, Bible studies, prayer, and fasting camouflaged his relentless raids across Cassie's sexual borders. In the confusion, she described Kevin as a great spiritual leader on one hand while pointing out that he has been a painful stumbling block to her sexual purity on the other. How weird. How common.

If there's anywhere we need to be authentic, it's in our relationships with girls. You must leave her better than when you met her.
Every Young Man's Battle, Pages 206, 209-210

What if Kevin were to sing this verse of Miracle of You to his girlfriend Cassie?

Well, I know there have been many who have hurt you,
and I know your heart's been broken many times.
How I wish that I could say I've never let you down!
But I know I'm one of those who's made you cry.
Still in the whole wide world there's no one else who will ever want to love you any better.

Wouldn't that last line ring hollow to Cassie?

How would it ring to the girls you've dated along the way? I hope you've left every girl you've dated better off for having met you. Have you been an authentic, Christian hero?

One criterion in your examination is to see if you are growing in the knowledge of the Word and whether you are quick to conform to its truths. Without examination, it's too easy to warp our thinking and to easily hurt and rob others, as Marty did:

"I had intercourse at age sixteen, but only once with one girl. I had no idea how strongly that could affect someone until I met my current girlfriend. When she found out that I was not a virgin, she cried. Sometimes she still cries about it. It hurts to see her in pain because of something selfish I have done."

Commit to thinking normally and with honor so that you'll bless those around you.
Preparing Your Son for Every Man's Battle, page 219

My son Jasen is a hero. He put his sexuality in its place from the get-go as a young teen, and never looked back. Recently, he married Rose, and their first kiss together was at the wedding altar. If you were to ask Jasen if he believes their connection is stronger because of their time of "no sex," he would answer with an emphatic, "Yes!" All that time they would have spent planning to get alone for sex and having sex was instead used for getting to know each other for who they are as people:

Like a masterpiece that's waiting to be discovered, like a treasure that is waiting to be found. There is so much unseen beauty in the heart of you. And I want to be the one to bring it out! Cause there is no one else who will ever, want to love you any better, no one else who will ever, want to love you any better.

Jasen began to explore the "treasures" and "unseen beauties in the heart" of Rose long before they were married, and by putting his sexuality in its place for a season, he expressed his love to her in deeper ways than petting and intercourse ever could. He proved to her in action that there is no one else who will ever, want to love you any better, no one else who will ever, want to love you any better!

Be heroic, my friend. Be Christian.